TRC #12 - On being dumped, spontaneity, a road trip through Italy, and an engagement.
THE RENEGADE COLLECTIVE - Encouraging creatives to follow their passion
HELLO, GORGEOUS
I arrived from Italy today after two flights with the air conditioning blasting, drying out my nose at 5 in the morning - and by the time I got home, it was already time to start a 4-hour virtual meeting. But here I am, writing to you guys, with one of the many epiphanies that came to me during the trip. To accompany this reading, I'll share a playlist that I listen to when I don't want to hear anything (as in: minimalist piano). Great for relaxing - and sometimes expanding - the mind.
Is spontaneity a matter of creating courage or a matter of being?
Have a sit because today's story is a long one...
The invitation to move to Canada came in 2019, the day after I ended a four-year relationship. I had just arrived in Toronto for a month-long coaching program when, in the midst of that morning, my boss suggested that there might be a position for me in Vancouver. Five weeks later, on my last day in Toronto, and after two glasses of mimosa at brunch with her, the official invitation was made.
- Where is this city located? Is it nice?
- It's on the other side of the country. It's not as cold in winter or as hot in summer as Toronto.
- Well, okay then. What are the terms?
- You have to move in two weeks. That's the time to go to São Paulo and deal with selling your apartment.
The option of not taking the job hadn't even crossed my mind. I had nothing to lose and nothing holding me back in Brazil. I loved my life in São Paulo, but over time I learned that I have the ability to build the life I love anywhere I go - and there's nothing more poetic than starting a new love life in a completely different country.
Too bad no one had told me that Vancouver is possibly one of the worst places to be single (I could talk for hours about it, but it has to be live and with a glass of wine).
But among several bad experiences and wrong dates, there came someone who was right for the moment.
He was Canadian, a bit older, very mature, and incredibly polite by Brazilian standards (regular polite by Canadian standards). We agreed to meet at the beach near my place to have a chat. He asked how I liked my coffee, and since I didn't respond in time, he brought me two so that I could choose.
A few days later, he invited me to dinner. He picked me up from the doorstep of my apartment with flowers for me, and because he wasn't sure if I had a vase at home, he brought one too. Our dates were always different. One moment, we would go for a bike ride around False Creek at sunset, another moment, it was brunch at a restaurant or enjoying wine on the balcony. Always with a flower, a candle, good conversation, and kind words.
But I always felt that there was something there that bothered me, something that later I realized also caused me a bit of insecurity. But at the time, I couldn't pinpoint what it was.
Until one random Monday, I was exchanging messages with Helen, a Canadian friend I met through work, trying to arrange a sunset wine gathering. I wrote to her asking if Wednesday was a good day, and she replied, "Sure, Wednesday the 12th works great for me."
Wednesday the 12th was in three weeks.
As I laughed at this excessive planning, I realized that was what bothered me about Matt - everything had to be planned well in advance, and there was no room for spontaneity whatsoever.
Not surprisingly, three months later, he broke up with me through a text message that implied we were on different pages in that relationship.
He interpreted my spontaneity as excessive attachment, and I interpreted his lack of spontaneity as lack of interest.
That message devastated me. I spent two days crying, completely unproductive until I realized that I hadn't fallen in love with the person; I had fallen in love with the romance.
I liked Matt for three months and a few bunches of flowers.
But I understood that the person, no matter how kind and interesting, was lacking something that I had in excess, and it wasn't my place to try to change that in him: spontaneity.
Having understood the root of my suffering, I stopped feeling pain and started feeling instant relief. Because now I had identified that spontaneity was a non-negotiable characteristic of the partner I wanted for myself - which gave me even more knowledge to recognize him when he appeared in my life.
And then Leo came along.
***
Nothing in our beginning was linear. But when the curves started to straighten out, the romance came: the flowers, the trips together, the wines, the conversations, the sunsets on the beach - and along with all of that, the shared interest in planning as little as possible and let life surprise us.
It was over a plate of pasta on a winter day that we decided to take a road trip from Vancouver to Los Angeles along the Golden Coast in two weeks' time.
It was in that same restaurant, while sipping on a bottle of wine on empty stomachs, that we decided to go to Brazil for about three months followed by a road trip through Sicily.
And it was at some point during those three months in Brazil that he agreed to move to Rio because out of nowhere, I stumbled upon a work opportunity that made sense to me.
For us, getting into a car with very little planned and one of us driving while the other researches the next destination and where we'll eat and sleep became quite common. And it was with that spontaneity that we embarked on our 18-day trip through Italy - and with that same spontaneity, he proposed to me on a beautiful night in Taormina on June 4th.
Since we've been together, we've heard many comments about how brave we are for making quick decisions, doing things without much planning, and taking leaps of faith.
***
As I was contemplating the theme of this newsletter, I received a message from a friend who has been a bit distant in recent years. She shared that she and her husband left their home and life in the countryside of São Paulo to move to Mato Grosso and start a clinic.
"I was inspired by you when we left everything behind and came here, and I always say that it's from here to the world, if it doesn't work out. We have to be free and seize opportunities. You and my friend who moved to the USA are my life inspirations."
Coincidentally, I read this text on Substack last week on
about making an effort to be more spontaneous, and this part caught my attention (in free translation):I lack spontaneity and lightness. You know that "Let's go?" - "Let's go!" kind of attitude? Well, I've never had it, and I get quite irritated when I find myself approaching the moment and needing to unplan.
***
The curious thing is that I always thought the easiest path was that of spontaneity. Because I find it a lot more challenging to have a plan and stick to it than to improvise. In fact, I've even questioned to what extent I am spontaneous as an excuse to avoid committing to things that bring long-term results.
Of course, right now I'm not referring to the spontaneity of delightful trips or impromptu encounters with people.
But you know that thought, "life is too short..."? It's good in homeopathic doses, but when I abuse it, it becomes nothing more than an excuse for a lack of commitment to certain plans.
All of this has led me to revisit the theme of discipline and how we can bring lightness to it while still being conscious of its weight as work. But, of course, that's a topic for the next newsletter.
The question I leave for you today to help me answer is: Is spontaneity, within the given privileges, a matter of courage or a matter of being?
Are you spontaneous, and if you weren't, do you think you can change? And if you do change, do you think it will bring you any benefits?
Comment below or, as you seem to prefer, over on Instagram. I'll gather all of this to bring more musings on lightness, spontaneity, and discipline in the next edition.
Sicily by car
Yesterday, I promised on Instagram to bring the requested influencer-style tips for the trip to Sicily and the purchases I made during these days in Italy.
I'm here, gathering everything I have that I consider useful to share, but it will be much easier if you help me answer:
Latest from my Instagram:
If you're not already there, take a moment to visit, click the follow button, and like your favorite photos. You have no idea how much it helps the algorithm and the self-esteem of the person behind this keyboard.
